In my own life, I've faced some serious ups and downs when it comes to relationships - while I don't think I'm necessarily an expert in the realm of relationships, I've learnt a thing or two. Before getting down to the nitty gritty of what works and what doesn't, there is one key ingredient to having fulfilling, healthy relationships. Today, I'm spilling the big (not-so) secret.
But first, a story (and a rant.) The other day, I was scrolling through Pinterest, and we all know that I'm a complete sucker for quotes and I stumbled across this one:
"A relationship works best when both people believe they have gotten better than they deserve."
Excuse my French, but what in the actual fuck?
The low-down: When we place people on a pedestal above ourselves, we crush our spirit and diminish our self-worth. Believing that you've gotten better than what you deserve is really just another way of saying, "I'm not worthy of this kind of love." It sends a message that shouts, "I don't deserve to feel loved."
When we get to the core of it all, there it is, in glowing, neon lights that could spread across the whole sky: I'm not good enough.
That's just not good breeding ground for love. Trust. Growth. Deep connection. And I know that's not the kind of life you're here to live.
That type of inner-dialogue keeps us trapped in toxic relationships. It happened to me. I didn't believe I was worth more or that I deserved to be treated better. My self-worth was so depleted and it took me years of inner work to mend the relationship with myself.
So, how do you have a perfect relationship?
First, let's just debunk the 'perfect relationship' myth - it doesn't exist.
At some point in our lives, we believe that love should be like the kind of romance we see depicted in movies, television, and novels. We feel that relationships need to fit our criteria of perfection and we need to find our prince that will sweep us off our feet, have our happily-ever-after, and it's just not realistic.
Would we really want it to be?
Let's step away from the moving target of 'perfection' and lean towards intimacy - real, connected, vulnerable intimacy. It can be messy, silly, and at times, scary. But it's real, pure love - and that should never try to fix into a box of what perfection 'should' look like - it needs space to roam, room to grow, and to be free from all limits so it can expand.
Before I get too far ahead of myself, let's just take a moment to reel it all back in.
Before all that, there's one key ingredient for relationship magic to happen...
...and I want you to believe this to your very core: You are so much more than enough.
You are worthy of love. To be loved. To feel loved. There is no container that could ever hold the love you beam out to the world - or the love you will receive. You deserve the kind of love that makes your heart skip a beat. The kind of love that expands more than you ever thought was possible. Actually, that kind of love is your birthright. Claim it.
Treat yourself with care, respect, kindness, and extend the love that you give to others to yourself. Watch your capacity for love expand before your eyes knowing that true love can only exist when you love yourself first.
"Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” | Brené Brown
Let your heart expand, heal the relationship with yourself, and let yourself be seen. See the love you radiate multiply and manifest back into your life. Embrace (and accept) imperfection. Choose courage. Be all in. That's where the magic's at. (Click to tweet!)
Before you jet out, let's make space for some soulful contemplation. Feel free to whip out your journal, share in the comments, or mindfully think about your answers to these questions.
1. Where are you currently holding back? Is there anything in your life that you've been putting off or ignoring?
2. What can you do today to embrace vulnerability and practice courage? Resistance is going to pop up around this one, and I trust that you will have a clear answer and know what you need to do - we resist what is most important to our soul.
Thank you, as always, for being here x